Dirty Wrong Love

Skye

It’s really not unusual that I don’t see Nolan around campus. The few times I’ve run into him over the last year or so have been when I’m deviating from my routine. Which means we only ever have reason to run into each other when one of us alters our daily route.

I wouldn’t know how to purposefully put myself in his path if I tried. The idea had crossed my mind before talking to Dad, and I might have lowered myself to do so if I’d taken note of which time of day and where I was on a specific day of the week when I’d seen Nolan in the past.

Back then, he was my sister’s boyfriend. Seeking him out would have been weird. Crushing on him would have been even weirder.

Would have been, except I think a lot of siblings close in age crush on their sister’s or brother’s friends and maybe partners. It’s not that unusual, is it? I don’t feel like it is.

Dad turns the truck into the parking lot, and Orion is already there. Indian Jewel is a little hole in the wall restaurant and I freaking love it. The couple who own and operate it are immigrants from India. They’ve been in California for twenty-three years. The man’s mother and father also work in the kitchen. They’ve raised three kids here in the restaurant. When we were little, we used to hang out with their son and youngest daughter while we waited for our food.

Orion wraps his arms around my shoulders as soon as I’m out of the truck. We follow Dad in, and we’re greeted by the woman, Mina. She’s the owner with the three kids, and I adore her.

She seats us in our usual seats, a booth where Orion and I take one side facing Dad. I lean into Orion’s side, since he still has his arm around me. There are times I really miss my brother, so I’m glad when he comes around.

“How’s work?” Dad asks Orion.

He sighs. “I don’t like it,” he admits. “It’s really dull, Dad. I can’t imagine doing this for the rest of my life.”

Dad gives him a sympathetic look. “I’m sorry to hear that. Is there another position that might be more exciting?”

Orion shakes his head, shrugging. “I don’t know. There’s a class I want to take next semester, and thankfully, it’s only one day a week, but it’s in the middle of the day. I’ll have to take time off work. I’m not sure if they’ll let me have Thursday afternoons off every week since I just started.”

“You can always ask and reevaluate when you have their answer.”

He nods absently. “You never really know how you’ll like a job until you’re in it. I still find the work kind of interesting, but not enough to spend forty hours a week for sixty years. Maybe if I were making bank, I could outweigh the boredom.”

“I get it. That’s one of the reasons I went back to work after retiring from the NHL. Monotonous boredom every day while you kids were at school. I needed something to keep me entertained, so when Longwood reached out to ask if I’d consider coaching their team, I jumped at it.”

“We can’t all be great hockey coaches where employers seek us out,” Orion muses.

“You can’t be great at anything if you don’t try,” Dad counters.

“Ouch. Fine.”

I grin as I take a sip of my newly delivered mango lassi. Ah. Best drink in the world right here. Not even sorry.

Since I’d already had a mind dump with Dad on the ice, I’m content to listen to Orion and Dad talk about work. It makes me question my career choice, though. A niggling fear that I’m also going to hate work after putting all this time, money, and effort into this degree now weighs heavily on my shoulders.

We head home, and Orion joins us to watch the hockey game. Toronto is playing Vancouver. Dad and Orion continue to talk about jobs and careers, and the future as it pertains to our work life for a while. Hannah and Mom say goodnight, and sometime around ten, Dad goes to bed too.

“I think I’m going to head up,” I say.

Orion nods as he stares at the television. I’m not sure he’s actually seeing it.

“Want to spend the night?”

His eyes flicker to mine. “Yeah. Thanks.”

I flick off the television, and Orion follows me upstairs. I let us into my room, closing the door behind me. Hannah is probably already asleep. I undo the eye hook latch at the top of the door into the connecting bathroom between my room and Hannah’s, and try the doorknob. If she’s in there, the door would be locked from the inside, too.

There’s no light coming from under the door, though, so I let myself in. Orion joins me and we brush our teeth at the double sinks in the bathroom. “I’m going to tell her you were using her sink if you don’t clean up after yourself,” I warn after I spit.

He gives me a toothpaste-y grin. He’s actually a decently neat roommate. I should know. We shared a bedroom for years.

I strip off my clothes and drop into bed after. My bed isn’t huge. I have a double, which is plenty big for me. However, when Orion falls beside me, I realize it’s not really made for two people, even though it’s called a double bed.

“This room is smaller than I remember,” Orion says. “How did we fit two beds in here? Two dressers and two desks.”

I nod in agreement. The bigger bedroom was always Kelsey’s, which also had its own bath. It’s the room Dad now sleeps in. What should have happened growing up is that Orion got the biggest room. He’s the oldest. Or, since it was he and I sharing as children, we should have gotten the biggest room.

What it came down to is—shockingly—Kelsey’s selfishness and her complete disregard for anyone other than herself. She and Hannah were always combustible when in close proximity. Mom and Dad didn’t even try making them share a bathroom. Instead, me and Ry shared the smaller room and shared a bathroom with Hannah instead of putting Kelsey out.

Sometimes I wonder if forcing Kelsey to share and giving her rules where she was forced to consider someone else in her daily routine would have made her turn out less… her. Somehow, I think what would have really happened is we’d have one less sister because Hannah would have murdered her in cold blood.

“We had bunks, remember?” I remind him. “The closet had our dressers, though I’m still surprised that two fit in there.”

Our shoulders are pressed together as we lie on our backs, staring up at the ceiling. There are still a few glow-in-the-dark stars lingering that haven’t fallen over the years. I think they were put up when I was three. We even had a few constellations configured with them.

There are four left, two of which had belonged to the Big Dipper.

“You okay?” Orion asks.

I turn my head to look at him. “Yeah. Why?”

“You’ve been quieter than usual.”

“Have I?” I wouldn’t have thought so, but now that Orion pointed it out as Dad had, I guess it’s true.

“Yep.” He turns onto his side to face me, propping his head on his arm. He slides me closer so he can wrap his arm around me.

I try not to smile as I roll my eyes. Orion has always been cuddly. For a solid six years, we’d share a bed, wrap around each other, and talk until we fell asleep. Mom threatened to make us sleep in separate rooms if we continued to stay up all night, since we’d wake up tired and not pay attention in school.

Once, Orion fell asleep in class in fourth grade. I think that’s impressive since he was surrounded by two dozen nine-year-olds, and they aren’t quiet.

“I met someone,” I say, and then dislike how that tastes in my mouth. It alludes to me seeing someone, right? That’s what it sounds like to my own ears. “At the club. We hooked up.”

“Ohhh, my sweet little baby Skye, finally got some.”

I glare at him, though it doesn’t deter his grin.

“How was it? You ready for a repeat?”

Am I really going to talk about this? “Yes, I liked it, and I don’t know. He goes to school at Longwood, but I never see him, and we didn’t exchange numbers, so…” I shrug.

“Try the club again?” Orion suggests.

“Maybe.” That was the first time I’d ever stepped foot into the club. I don’t even know why I was there that night. Boredom. Curiosity. Maybe I was just a horny nineteen-year-old virgin and desperately wanted to be touched.

I can’t believe it was Nolan, though. I can’t believe he noticed me at all when there were tons of hot people around. Then there was me, sitting alone in a corner with water, of all things. Obviously, I wouldn’t have a cocktail or beer since I’m underage, but water! That’s how adventurous I am.

I’m as vanilla and boring as they come, and somehow, Nolan had chosen me that night. It didn’t even feel like he was pitying me. It felt like we actually connected. That it was good between us. I get that it was my first time, but he came as much as I did. That means he enjoyed it too, right?

Orion’s arm tightens around me, and I blink out of my thoughts to meet his eyes. He’s not smiling. “Did he hurt you? Did you wear a condom? What’s wrong?”

Protective, concerned older brother. I smile and shift so I can press my face into his chest. His hand tangles in my hair, and he kisses my head. “It hurt in the way I think it should hurt, but I also think he’s a damn master because it didn’t hurt as much as I was anticipating,” I admit. “Yes, he wore a condom. I guess… I kinda want to see him again, but I don’t know how.”

Not without showing up at DIK and asking if he wants to come out and play.

“You liked it?”

“I did. It felt so damn good, Ry,” I whisper. Is it weird talking about this with my brother? Why would it be? He’s always been my confidant. My best friend. For some years of my life, my only friend. I have no idea why I got allllll the shy genes in my family, but I fucking did and it sucks.

“I have a confession,” Orion says, his voice low.

“What’s that?”

“So… you know how you like guys instead of girls, right?”

I laugh. “I hadn’t realized, as I’m just telling you about the dude who put his dick in my ass. Thanks for pointing it out, though.” He slaps my ass and I jerk. “Asshole,” I mutter through laughter. But seriously, ouch. That stung.

“When I was twelve, I kind of crushed on a teacher. A male teacher.”

“That’s cool. I bet it was Mr. Cole.”

Orion laughs. “Yes. He was still hot when you were in seventh grade, huh?”

“Ry, I don’t remember a thing that happened in that class except how his ass looked in jeans. I’m pretty sure he’s a lot of kids’ sexual awakenings, gay and straight alike.”

He chuckles. “When I was seventeen, I had a little crush on the nerdy chess guy in my class. He was so damn smart, and I was kind of hypnotized by his intelligence. I hadn’t realized someone being ridiculously smart could be attractive until then.”

“Are you telling me about all your bro crushes?” I tease.

“Yes, but there’s a point. In the last year, I’ve crushed on someone else. A guy at school, but I’ve seen him several times out of school. We get along. His personality is magnetic. I love his laughter and his smile. How he treats people. He’s passionate about so many things, and I never get bored with him.”

“Sounds like this might be a little bigger of a crush than the previous two guys.”

“I think so, too. The thing is, we ran into each other in the library, and he kind of suggested that we get together. Hookup. I told him no, but… I haven’t stopped thinking about it in days. Imagining it. The other crushes were just… I thought they were hot, but I didn’t actually want anything from it, you know? This time, I’m not sure it’s the same thing. I think I want to see what it feels like.”

“It feels like a dick in your ass,” I supply. He slaps my ass again and I shove at him through laughter. “Ow. That fucking hurts.”

“Good. I need my serious little brother. Not the one who teases me.”

I hug him tightly. “I am teasing, but because I don’t think you need to take it so seriously, Ry. There’s nothing wrong with liking guys, remember? That’s what you told me when I came out to you. Are you telling me you lied?”

He sighs. “No. I guess I’m just a little apprehensive. I want to, but I’m scared of wanting to.”

“I’m going to ask this question with the understanding that I don’t want to know anything at all, okay?”

“A little oxymoronic, but okay.”

“Were you scared of wanting to be with a girl? Did you experience the same kind of apprehension?”

“I was nervous, but I think that’s more because of all the pressure on us as teens. We’re expected to be an excellent fuck right out of the gate. We’re expected to know how to please someone else when we barely know what we like. The pressure of being thought of as bad and them telling everyone had me nervous. Then there’s the obvious—how does my dick compare to others? Am I bigger or smaller than everyone else? Am I too big or too small? What will she tell her friends?”

“That’s—wow. That’s a lot.”

“You didn’t feel that way?”

“I was one of three out guys at school, Ry. And I didn’t find the others particularly attractive, so there was no chance of fooling around with them. With the guy last week? No. It happened quickly from the moment he sat at the table with me to him asking me to come home with him. I didn’t give myself time to think about anything. I was too busy worrying if it was going to hurt or if I was going to have an accident. I wasn’t exactly planning on bottoming for the first time when I went to the club, you know.”

“Oof. Then there’s that. How do I even prepare for that?”

I grin. “This is a conversation I can help you with. Buckle up for some discomfort, Ry.”

For the first time in a very long time, we stay up late into the night talking. Just as we had when we were kids.