I Want to Watch

This is a continuation of chapter 23. It wasn’t removed for any reason other than it interrupted the flow of the story.

Julian

“I’m sorry,” I say as I open the hatchback trunk. Arush twists in his seat to look at me. “Coach asked to speak to me, which means it was all longer than usual.”

He smiles without comment as I close the door and head for the driver’s seat. I take his hand as soon as I’m inside and kiss the back of it. “Were you waiting long?”

Arush shakes his head. “It’s mass chaos in there when the game ends. It takes a while to get out.”

“I don’t like that you walk out back here on your own.”

I love his smile, which I only glimpse as I’m backing out of my parking spot. “There are a lot of people who walk this way. I wasn’t alone. There were even some that parked in this lot.”

That’s good, at least. We talk about the game and the conversation with Coach on the way home. It continues right up until we step through the door of our condo. I drop my bag on the floor and pull Arush into my arms.

I need to hold him. To feel his heart against mine. To fill my lungs with him. His arms around me are everything I need right now.

He shifts, angling his body away from mine a little. I think I feel his face heat.

“What’s wrong?” I ask.

Yep, his face is definitely hot right now. He doesn’t meet my eyes for a minute, but when he looks at me, I can already tell what’s wrong. He was shifting his body, so I didn’t feel his erection.

“Was it me sweating or complaining that did it for you?” I muse.

Arush laughs and shakes his head. I’m glad when his shoulders relax a little. In the past, with previous partners, I know they’d want my involvement. This is different. I know that Arush doesn’t want my involvement.

He turns his face away, but I really want him to look at me. I cup his face, bringing his eyes back to mine. “I want to watch.”

Arush’s breath catches as he stares at me. “You do?” he asks, barely above a whisper.

I nod. “I do. If that’s okay. If you’re uncomfortable—”

He shakes his head. “I want you to watch.”

Before either of us can change our minds, I haul him against me and pick him up with my hands under his thighs. Arush laughs nervously, but leaves his arms around my neck. He stares at me as I move through the condo with him.

“Need to stop in my room,” he says.

I don’t need to adjust my direction since we pass the spare rooms on the way to the primary bedroom. He points to the dresser and opens the drawer where I watch as he digs around almost blindly for what he’s looking for.

The room is dark, so he’s choosing by feel. I only catch a vague shape as he brings his arm around my neck again. “Okay,” he whispers.

“Are you sure you don’t mind me watching?”

I can hear him swallow. “I’m sure. I’m excited to have you watch. Just… I don’t want to be touched.”

I smile, leaning my face forward to kiss him. “Don’t worry. I doubt I’ll feel the urge to do so.” My words make me wince. “Please don’t be offended by that.”

Arush huffs. “We’re an interesting couple, aren’t we?”

“We’re exactly right,” I say as I bring him into my bedroom. I set him on the bed and flick on the side table lamp. “What do you need?”

His cheeks are still bright red, and he has a hard time keeping his eyes on mine. “A couple towels?”

I nod and head for the bathroom. It takes me no time to grab two large towels, a hand towel, and a washcloth so he has options. I’m not sure what he needs, so this way I have all my bases covered.

Arush is down to his underwear when I step back into the bedroom. I set the towels on the edge of the bed and then move to the chair, sliding it to the side of the bed and angling it so I’m watching him like a show.

He swallows again as he arranges the towel. He hesitates before he grabs a pillow and drags it down. He folds it in half and wraps a towel around it.

Arush is a beautiful man. I’m almost disappointed I don’t feel the kind of attraction to him that would turn me on. Almost. But I can still admire him. Appreciate the lines of his body. The shape of his ass, his arms, his shoulders.

Finally, he pushes his underwear down and I’m looking at a very hard cock. I can count on one hand how many times I’ve seen a dick hard, including mine. I’m positive, however, that I’ve never appreciated one like I do Arush’s.

My fingers twitch with a need to touch him. To feel what it feels like hard.

It’s a very strange feeling because I don’t want to touch for sexual purposes. I want to touch because it’s him. I want to know him. Every inch of him.

I stare at his hands as he takes what I believe must be a cock ring and slides it down his length. Somehow, he manages to get his full balls through it too, so it sits tightly around the base of his dick. There’s a strange thick part that’s against his balls. It disappears from sight entirely once he lets them hang down again.

He looks at me nervously, chewing his bottom lip.

“You’re beautiful,” I tell him, hoping to make him more comfortable. To take away the awkwardness.

“I am?” he asks. I’m not sure if I’m hearing vulnerability or surprise.

I nod. “I’m mesmerized,” I say. “Also wincing a little bit at the thought of having something so tight around my dick.”

Arush grins. “It’s purposeful.”

“To prevent an orgasm from happening too quickly?”

He lifts one shoulder. “Yes, but the vibrator under it has the opposite effect. It’s a push and pull that can be addicting.”

“Huh.”

I’m surprised when he hands me a little remote. It reminds me of one of the aftermarket remote car starters. A little bigger than a quarter with three buttons. “On. Pulse. Speed. If you hold the on button down, it’ll turn off.”

“You want me to—”

“Only if you want to,” he quickly answers before I can finish the question.

I nod. “Definitely.”

His smile is shy as he turns to the bed and climbs on. “I’m not sure how sexy prep is. I can do it in the bathroom.”

I shake my head. “No. I like that we can kind of do this together, if that’s okay. Together, but not together.”

“Sharing the experience without actually sharing it,” Arush says as he situates himself on his knees. I love the small smile on his lips. “Me too.”

Watching him, I’m not sure how I feel about the prep. Seeing his fingers dip into his ass, lubing and more lubing. He doesn’t look particularly excited about it. This is the business part of sex, I suppose. I wonder if it’s ever sexy.

Then I muse about the fact that I do find this sexy and yet not in a way that means I have any kind of physical response. I don’t even feel the desire to be closer than I am. I love this. Everything inside me feels like…

Maybe this feeling is the equivalent of sexual couples who have sex for the first time. Excitement. Nerves. Connection. Intimacy. It feels intimate in a way I’ve never experienced before.

My thoughts on the semantics of it stop when Arush picks up his dildo and lubes it. He straddles the folded pillow and arranges the dildo beneath him. My gaze is locked where he moves the cockhead to his hole and guides it in.

He eases down a little and then retreats. A little more this next time and then back up. He does this over and over until his ass has engulfed it.

I can’t look away until I hear him moan. Then my eyes move to his face.

All his shyness, his insecurities have vanished. He’s feeling nothing but good right now. His confidence in this moment makes my chest warm. That warmth spreads through my body as he begins riding the dick held in place by the pillow.

His noises are definitely your stereotypical pornographic sounds. Erotic moans and grunts. The slick sound of the silicone dick moving in and out of his body.

I’ve watched porn before. All kinds. All sexualities and couplings and groups. If it exists, I’ve watched it. All in my early days of trying to figure out why I didn’t respond to sexual stimuli like everyone else around me. I thought there must be something out there that turns me on.

I learned that I love everything having to do with sex. I just have zero desire to be a part of it. Not even my basest parts find desire in it.

That doesn’t mean I don’t find it appealing.

However, nothing I’ve ever seen has prepared me for Arush. I feel every sound he makes echo in my body. I can even feel heat curl in my core and yet… I’m not hard. I don’t want to get closer. I simply want to watch. I want to be a part of this moment from right where I’m sitting.

When his hand wraps around his leaking dick, Arush lets out a long, low groan. I realize I’m a part of this, a little more than just as a spectator. There’s a remote in my hand.

Excitement shivers through me as I hit the On button. Arush gasps in response. His body jerks. He slides down the cock with a snap. I hit the pattern button to see what he does next and am rewarded with his back arching.

Everything becomes a little more erotic as I push the two buttons. I take my time between changing settings, letting him enjoy one before I shift to the next. I don’t want him to get used to one. I want to keep changing the stimuli.

He moves erratically. His sounds become more breathless. Louder. Desperate.

Arush reaches a crescendo of the sexiest damn moment in my entire life when he grinds down on the cock while his body is angled backwards. His back is arched, head thrown back, exposing the long, elegant line of his neck.

He has veins sticking out everywhere as his stomach muscles convulse. Out of his cock come several long streams of stringy cum. The sounds of his orgasm will forever be ingrained in my head. Behind my eyes.

I keep the vibration pulsing until I’m sure he’s finished. When I see his body tense slightly, I hold the power button. He sighs and falls over. I nearly laugh when the dildo pops from his ass.

His smile is orgasm drunk. His body glistens in the dim light with a light sheen of sweat.

I glance down at my crotch, wondering if it was hot enough to test my physical disinterest. I’m still fucking soft and for some reason, that makes me relax further. I like who I am. I wouldn’t change even this one thing about me. I love that I can mentally be turned on and my body is just chill enough to let me enjoy what I’m watching. To let me be a part of it in the way that makes me and my partner comfortable.

“You’re mesmerizing,” I say quietly.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Can I hold you now?”

His smile climbs. “Yes, please.”

I drop the remote on the chair and climb onto the bed, taking Arush into my arms. We sigh at the same time, which makes us both laugh quietly.

“You liked watching?” he asks.

“More than I ever thought I would.”

“Does that mean you…”

“Nope. Not hard. Not even a twitch.” I grin. I feel even more assured when he sighs again, his arms twisting more fully around me. “Thank you for letting me be a part of this.”

“By watching?”

“By watching. And the remote.”

He hums. “Any time. I really loved sharing this with you.”

I kiss his head. We’re going to be just fine. Sex has been the thing that ended every past relationship, but this time, it’s only heightening it.

And I didn’t even need to get hard to enjoy it.

If you’re interested in additional bonus scenes, check out my patreon!